The Way It Was

Written by Karen.
Our blog has been quiet for awhile.  Our last real-time post was on the banks of the flooded Lake Tziscao in Chiapas, Mexico on April 14, 2015.  We were planning to cross over into Guatemala the next day, but our plans suddenly changed.   My sister Julie had her most recent MRI reading on April 15th and it didn’t look good.  Her current brain cancer treatment was no longer working and it was time for a different treatment.  Things for Julie were about to get much more complicated and so it was also time for Adam and I to return to the States and help Julie.   

We left the border of southern Mexico and Guatemala on April 16th and quickly returned back to the Portland/Vancouver area.  We’ve been living here in the Rose City ever since.  

Rationally, I knew that Julie’s surprising and wholly unexpected diagnosis last March 2014 of Glioblastoma multiforme, Stage 4 brain cancer would eventually end in her death.  But, death is not rational.  It is extremely personal and emotional. 

It is a profound experience to actively live with someone who is actively dying. It was pointed out early and often that we all live that dichotomy.  None of us knows exactly how much longer we have to live. The difference is that Julie had a ticking alarm clock, a known Sword of Damocles, and a range of predicted expiration dates from 7 to 18 months.

Early into what would be Julie’s final 16.5 month journey, we told her that we would be there as long as she needed us.  We were with her for 11.5 months of that time period.  The experience of helping, loving, caring, advocating for, being a caregiver and getting to know your sister as an adult is a gift beyond measure.  

Our journey with Julie has shifted and re-shaped my thoughts about what I thought I knew and how we want to live our lives going forward. It has humbled me in unthinkable ways. The experience has changed us - both separately and as a couple.  Adam and I became better people and our relationship deepened and strengthened as a result of this journey we took together with Julie.

Don’t get me wrong.  This was the most difficult experience I have gone through on so many different levels.  However, without a doubt, both Adam and I know this experience with Julie is one of our most significant lifetime accomplishments.  We are proud to have stepped up to the unexpected challenge and helped Julie navigate a life complicated with terminal cancer.  We are both grateful to have had the gift of time to spend with my sister who lived her final days with grace, dignity, optimism and humor despite looking into the indifferent face of brain cancer.  

However, this experience also broke my heart in ways that I still don’t fully understand.  It will take time to sort out the range and complexity of emotions that inevitably come with living and loving someone up close and having them die in the home that we all shared together.  I miss her terribly.

In the meantime, we will remain in Portland until the end of November when our apartment lease expires.  We’ve been exploring Portland and the surrounding area for the past two months as we wind down Julie’s last commitments on this Earth.  Portland - the City of Roses - has consistently ranked at the top of our lists of possible cities to settle down once our rambling travels are over.  We plan on sharing our thoughts, observations and experiences once again in future posts.

One thing is for sure...this journey that we call life is also about death.  Life will always be different from now on - and a priority.  

Julie's Forever View